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People act like whether you are ‘out’ is a yes or no question. It’s really more complicated than that, because in the real world, you may have to come out to each and every person you interact with. Some people will blame you if you’re not out– others will feel like you’re too out, as if you are changing the atmosphere for everyone else by reminding people that you are not straight. The politics of outness are complex: you may choose to share your sexuality with different people depending on your relationship to them and their feelings on the issue. Being out to your friends and being out to your parents is an entirely different situation.
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I’m not necessarily being brave by calling myself, “The Lingerie Lesbian“– but I am being almost aggressively honest. I was so tired of the assumptions of straightness that follows me in my physical life that I wanted to make it clear that my sexuality is a part of who I am. Just my presence changes the conversation. Some people, gay and straight, say that your sexuality is private, that it’s not a necessary part of a conversation about fashion or anything else– I completely disagree. If I look around me and listen to the conversations, I am constantly hearing about my coworker’s husbands, celebrities’ boyfriends, some popstar’s (straight) wedding, how attractive some model (of the opposite sex) is. It feels like I’m inundated in heteronormative culture and no one sees it but me. No matter how liberal or accepting a community is, if you’ve come out, you know what it’s like to see someone’s face change, for their whole mind to shift to take in a reality that had genuinely never occurred to them. You’ve changed, completely, right before their eyes– even while you know that you’ve stayed completely the same.